Jared Kushner’s real estate company has been contracted to take over the maintenance of the White House. Experienced facilities managers from Kushner enterprises will take over such deceptively mundane matters such as water supply, plumbing, power supply and heating from career federal employees who have these responsibilities.

The change comes shortly after realistic videos (pre-)creating moving scenes of Donald Trump wailing as he is being dragged out of the building went viral. “That’s not the kind of thing we’d like to see. We must maintain the majesty of the White House”, an official said.

That is why the Kushner company was approached. In thousands of properties they run, the Kushners have put in place failsafe systems that drive low income or unemployed leaseholders out. Although the White House is a different type of building, the fundamentals of this eviction are similar to most others: its current occupant’s lease has run out; he is both unemployed and has demonstrably low income. Having lost his Oval office job and having paid $750 or less income tax for years, Kushner’s father-in-law meets the criteria comfortably.

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In such projects, the Kushners send in experts who jam sewage pipes, causing refluxes in toilets. They then compound the problem by cutting off water supply in strategic areas. This is followed the introduction of a special selection of rapidly multiplying bugs and cutting off the heating.

“Our data shows compliance within three weeks, tops” said a Kushner Companies spokesman.

The Kushners plan to throw in a few bespoke elements as well. Like playing the words “Winter is coming” in a loop over the public address system; cutting off Fox News; and have an attendant hide the President’s smartphone at every available opportunity.

The New Yorker reported that Jared’s wife Ivanka Trump has already applied for a job as Joe Biden’s daughter, indicating the Kushners are tight on cash, so this contract was important.

Kushner wrote the pitch clincher himself: “We’ll turn the White House into a Shiite House”.

This is a work of satire.

The writer is a journalist and author of Aarushi, an account of the murder investigation and ensuing trial.



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